On Christian Guilt...

Have you ever noticed that when TV and movies portray someone with a guilty conscience they often will put it in a "Catholic" context - that person going to a priest for confession? There is a reason for that - Catholics tend to be really good at guilt. I know - I am one. I was raised in a very devout Catholic family and am the only person from my family not actively practicing the Catholic faith at this point in my life. Now, before people get upset with me that I am putting one denomination down over another - I need to clarify a couple of things. One is that, in my experience of talking with people, it seems most Christian denominations are equally good at making people feel guilty. Secondly, I have a deep love and appreciation for the Catholic faith - the rich symbolism and expression of faith through the liturgy and traditions is more meaningful to me than I can even find words for. Having said that, though - I'm really good at heaping guilt on myself whether I deserve it or not. And, I suspect I am not alone in this as a Christian. Darrin likes to tease me about my "Catholic guilt" when I am beating myself up about something that is really not that big of a deal. It seems to me that in many Christian circles there tends to be an emphasis on all of the obligations of the Christian life, which leads to tremendous guilt when one does not live up to those obligations. In my profession as a counsellor, I have worked with many people who battle tremendous burdens of guilt who were raised in strong Christian homes. I am not saying that is necessarily a bad thing, I guess I just want to look at one particular outcome of this as I see it.

I think it's important to note that a healthy, balanced Christian lifestyle will involve a well developed conscience - and, therefore some guilt when one realizes they have wronged another. To me, this is healthy guilt - the God-given mechanism that tells us we've done something wrong and need to seek forgiveness, make amends, and try to not repeat that. That's ok - that's life. But, what I get concerned about is the guilt that people seem to heap upon themselves when they really haven't done any wrong - or when they can't meet the unrealistic expectations they have for themselves. The problem with this type of guilt is that it can lead to some pretty serious depression. There can be a vicious cycle of someone creating really high expectations for themselves, being unable to live up to them, feeling terrible about themselves so setting even higher expectations to make up for it, etc.

I know that I've gotten myself into this cycle before. And, I watch other Christians sometimes perpetuate this through judgementalism and putting all the focus on all the "rules" of living of a "good" Christian life. Should we strive for living the best lives we can according to God's purposes for us? Of course. But, really - do we need to look down on someone who is genuinely stumbling through their Christian journey - which means they will make some mistakes along the way? I don't think so. As much as possible, I hope we can journey together with people, offering support and encouragement along the way. In my experience I think this is possible most of the time with most people we encounter along the way. There are times, though, when you find you inevitably need to set firm and clear boundaries with people who seem unwilling or unable to acknowledge or deal with the fact that their choices and actions are harming others. In my experience, these situations are rare, and always painful and difficult when they occur. But, they will occur. Otherwise, the majority of the time, most of us are doing the best we can and need the support of Christian community as we stumble through life. I've often listened at length to people beating themselves up about past mistakes, and feeling they can no longer be accepted within the church or even by God because of those actions. I find this incredibly sad, and feel that, as Christian community, we are failing these people.

I guess the way I am trying to work through my own struggle with guilt is to focus on my own heart before God. It seems to me that this lightens a lot of these burdens. It seems that when my heart is turned towards God, I tend to make choices with my thoughts and actions that are in line with His will for me and my relationships with others (as best I can determine). I'm working on focusing on the blessings in my life and those I see in other people's lives. I don't want to judge, but encourage. Will I need to challenge myself and others at times, set boundaries at times? Yes. But, most of the time we just need to remember who we are as His creation - blessed and a blessing to others.

I welcome healthy guilt when I need it - a good kick in the pants once in a while - from God, from someone who loves me, or from myself is a good thing. So, when that happens I deal with it, seek forgiveness and move on. The rest - all that false guilt - I'm working on letting go. And, in doing that I hope other people feel from me that they are accepted, loved and seen as a blessing in my life. Because that is how it is.
Lisa